Updated: Aug 6, 2021
Having broken free from bondage, these critters are tearing up the world and contributing to our destruction according to the climate doomsters.
Do you remember waking up one morning only to learn that bovines were an existential threat to the earth? Yep, it said so in my trusted morning newspaper. Bovines poop, fart, and belch contributing to greenhouse gasses. Someone, dressed in a white research robe no doubt measured the quantity and contents of the cow burbs and farts using a variety of apparatuses subjecting the poor animal to any amount of embarrassment, multiplied it times the number thought to exist, and wallaa- these four-legged cheesemakers were ruining everything. Ten, maybe 12 years to go and we all be dead from affixation, or lactose intolerance, or from a cold virus with bright blue tentacles. Who ‘woke’ me?
Thinking I’m still in my nightly nightmare, I read further. The only solution, and best we do it now, is for mankind, womankind, and hybridkind to suspend with the eating of cheeseburgers, milkshakes, pizzas, and- well pretty much everything I enjoy eating. The author was so kind as to offer ‘healthy’ eating suggestions such as tofu, greens, lots of greens, legumes including beans (careful! eat only the non flatulate producing kind), jello, crunchy peanut butter, caffeine, Xanax, licorice, bananas, and water.
Fully woke, I grab a handful of ibuprofen and a cup of coffee and try to restart my start.
Having survived a once-in-a-lifetime heatwave, evidently caused by an ominous-sounding ‘heat-dome’ (someone needed to name this infrequent but naturally occurring weather phenomena to make it sound like humans inadvertently constructed this killer ‘heat-dome’ entrapping us in a sweltering misery of our own making).
So taken by this clever visual aid, my trusted daily newspapers couldn’t help themselves by printing an article titled ‘Pacific Northwest Heat Wave Virtually Impossible Without Human-caused Climate Change.’ Newspapers and digital media companies around the world ran with this article from a website called ‘World Weather Attribution.’ If you visit the site, you’ll see that they think nearly every extreme weather event is impossible without ‘human-caused climate change.’ ‘Late-Season Frost in France Virtually Impossible Without Human-caused Climate Change,’ is another title. Of course, cloaking your argument with ‘virtually impossible’ leaves little opportunity for a discussion of arguments which was possibly their intent.
But that didn’t leave weather meteorologist and former academic from taking a swing at this obvious effort to obscure the obvious (that climate variability is a natural feature of all weather events and always has been). Cliff Mass doesn’t ‘virtually’ destroy their fear-bating techniques, he ‘literally’ destroys them. Mr. Mass is an actual scientist with no master but he does see how the clever use ‘words’ to mislead the public and the media. He exposes these poorly educated but highly indoctrinated media reporters and editors for the imbeciles they are and how these media companies have no shame in their attempt to sell newspapers, get clicks, and keep the fear ratcheted up. Politicos who attempt to explain weather phenomena and forest fires and homelessness as only possible because of climate change have their own nefarious agendas.
It is true that when I look at myself in a mirror sideways, I could do without all the pizzas and milkshakes. Eating less of what a bovine provides could possibly be argued in my case. But I don’t think the rest of the world is ready to give up eating good-tasting healthy food (eaten in moderation). Even some of the most ardent climate alarmists still fly to Mexican beaches aboard belching jets and eat way too many cheeseburgers. Some climb their sorry arses aboard large missile-shaped objects full of kerosene (a petroleum product), light the fuse, and touch the edge of space proclaiming that from their perch, the earth looks ‘fragile.’ That took a real space cowboy to make that amazing discovery.
Just yesterday, I was enjoying a couple of strips of still crackling bacon when I came across this headline; FERAL HOGS STUDY REVEALS AN UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCE OF INVASIVE SPECIES. Baited and still chewing my bacon, I decided to read the article. What could the ‘unexpected consequence’ possibly be of feral pigs running around ruining things? Sure enough, they are ruining the planet not because they tear up fields and lawns, but because when they tear up things, they inadvertently release sequestered CO2. Much like a farmer’s plow, feral pigs turn dirt over releasing this dangerous gas into the atmosphere. Like when bovines were deemed an existential threat to all men and women and hybrids, feral pigs are taking years off the globe’s life expectancy.
Just to be clear, the article’s author wanted to make sure we understand that it is humanoids who are the biggest contributor to the ‘climate crisis.’ Our insistence on some level of mobility, the desire to eat good tasting and healthy food, and to travel to locations where we might experience the pleasant sensation of sand between our toes or sing to the jungle, all things that enhance our sense of wellbeing is actually sowing the seeds of our destruction according to the climate doomsters.
So just what kind of world do the climate alarmist envision? I suggest they experiment with a couple of ideas. Start by getting rid of those evil cars- even your electric cars are powered by fossil fuels that generate electricity. Never board another belching jet to a vacation paradise. Turn off all digital devices as they are powered and recharged using fossil fuel-powered electrical generating plants. Stop eating bacon and cheese and grow your own food in a garden that you ought not till up because it might release some dangerous CO2. Life is complicated. Have a great weekend.